December 2, 2019

James 1:4, 12

4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

I have become so accustomed to falling short – by not having skill or tenacity or consistency – that I no longer even dare to think, let alone believe, that it’s possible for me to be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I’ve never received a reward for my hard work (perseverance) – honor roll, recognition for effort, scholarships for academic achievement.

I’m so accustomed to falling short that I no longer think about, believe, consider, aspire to, dream of, or hope that I will ever receive a reward. I’ve stopped even wanting it.

And because I’ve never, maybe I don’t even try? The disappointment is too great. The implied judgement just too painful.

The inability to be consistent in my efforts makes me feel stunted, always starting over. Thus, no progress, no achievement, thus no completion, thus, no reward.

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Welcome
I am a 57 year old woman, raised by an undiagnosed mother on the spectrum. At 12 I developed bipolar II disorder but was not diagnosed until I was 50. At 30, I had a son whose father dropped out of the picture when I was seven weeks pregnant. I met my husband when my son was 4-1/2 months old and we were married 17 months later; our daughter was born 18 months after that. We had a great life raising the kids, going to church, being involved in the community. My husband was always loving, patient, and kind. Twenty years later, our kids were grown. What we didn’t know was that the bipolar II disorder that started when I was 12 and, that went undiagnosed and untreated, was worsening. A pile of life stressors led to a serious bipolar episode, an illegal affair with a prison inmate, a suicide attempt, (finally) a correct diagnosis and appropriate treatment, and felony charges with a potential of 100 years in prison. This blog traces my journey, sharing my experience, insights gained looking back on 50 years that hadn’t made sense, and tools used in recovery. I hope that this will provide encouragement, insight, and tools to help others traveling a similar path. I'm Sherrill and this is my journey.

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